shinryou: (Cutter Thoughtful)
Monday, June 17th, 2013 06:57 pm
Maybe it’s just me, but I am really very tired of always being there for people, always willing to try and help, and NO body is there for me... Actually, I take that back. I could handle the nobody being there for me, it’s the 'sure Tobbie, whatever you need, well help...' until the time comes when I need the help; and then suddenly no one is around, no one remembers what they promised. After so many years of this, I am just bloody weary of it.

I would much rather no body promised me anything, and I don't expect anything, than to be constantly disappointed. I can easily handle not expecting anything and having to deal with it all with just myself. What I hate is depending on people who I can never depend on who keep bugging me to depend on them. I don’t like the feeling of disappointment and I hate the anger that it produces in me. I don’t like being angry, its nonproductive. When I don’t expect anything, I am not disappointed, I don’t get angry.

Contrary to what the world seems to thinks of me, I really am a fairly laid back person who really hates being the center of attention. (It makes me uncomfortable.) I hate fuss and bother, I would much rather everyone lead their own lives and kept their noses out of everyone else’s life, at least that’s what I try to be. I grew up in a large family of master game players and double talkers who promised each other the world and never kept a promise. I hated it then; I hate it even more now. I would rather not expect anything and be pleasantly surprised, than deal with the constant lies and games'. I really don’t know why this is a concept that is so difficult for the world in general to comprehend.

I really don’t understand why people feel the necessary of promising people things they have no intention of delivering. I don’t make promise unless I know I can keep them. If I am not sure I can do something for someone, I am up front and open about it. It would be nice if I could get that same honesty back am not holding my breath waiting for it either. I would really rather be left completely alone than have people insist on helping me and then not being there at the last minute. I can plan when I know it’s just me, how the hell are you supposed to plan when other people can’t keep up their side of the deal…

It all comes down to… I am just tired of being constantly frustrated in dealing with people who don’t deal with life.
shinryou: (Default)
Thursday, June 13th, 2013 04:08 pm
There are just some days that I am just bloody tired of being the answer to everybody's problems...
shinryou: (Default)
Thursday, April 4th, 2013 05:09 pm
I have come to the conclusion that people make me very tired.

I am tired of the craziness, tired of the foolishness, tired of the games, tired of people not making any kind of coherent sense. I am tired of the predigest and tired of the pettiness, I am tired of people's judgments, tired of people preaching against the very thing they are doing themselves. I am so very, very tired of people who only see the world in black and white.

I am tired of people who think they know more, hear more, feel more, understand more; and who feel they must preach, beat me over the head with their so called knowledge and understanding. And I am really tired of these same people ranting and raving at me; when they can't string to sane words together and make it come out in some sort of coherent language that humans can understand. And I am really, really tired of the puzzled looks I get when I can't understand them and just reply to all this craziness with a blank look and an "Huh? You wanna try that again in a language I can actually understand..."

I am so tired of winning, and tired of crying, and so very, very tired of people who complain it isn't fair; and who are stuck in the should of, could of things of life. I deal with what's real, not with what I would like it to be, I just don't have the time and energy to waste on people who want to sit and cry into their beer about how unfair life is. I never expected life to be fair and am sick to death of hearing people bitch about it. And what gets me the most, is these same people who wine and cry about the unfairness of life, are the last bloody people to get off their asses and do something about changing things. They want the world handed to them on a silver platter and it annoys the crap out of me.

I am tired of people wanting things from me but not telling me what they want, and then getting irritated with me because I haven't given them what they wanted, when most of the time I didn't even know they wanted something. I am tired of people talking at me, but not really wanting to hear me talk back. And I am really, really weary with trying to talk to people and having no one really hear a single word I have said; and then all of them wondering why I stopped talking altogether.

People make me tired, down to my soul, bone weary tired.Becoming a hermit looks better and better every day.
shinryou: (Default)
Thursday, April 4th, 2013 05:06 pm
Is anyone besides me having trouble posting from the posting page?
shinryou: (Default)
Thursday, April 4th, 2013 05:05 pm
Testing to see if this will post...
shinryou: (Default)
Tuesday, December 11th, 2012 01:17 am
In 2009 a cousin I hadn't heard from in so many years I lost count, emails me to say he thinks I am his long lost cousin.
As I have lived in the city of Orange for at least twenty plus years and in this house I am in now for over half; I simply wrote back that I was never lost and anyone could Google my name and find me, its not hard I have googled myself so I know.
He seem to take offence at my dry sarcasm and didn't write again... until today.

So today I get a mass family email telling me my old school (which I only went to for first through fourth grade) was being torn down and would I like to buy a brick from it... Really?
Mind you said brick is fifty bloody dollars for said old used brick... REALLY??

Mind you it was a mass emailing... but still...
No happy hoildays, no Merry Christmas, no how the hell are you...
Just would you like to give the school fifty bucks for an old used brick.

I am endlessly amused by the so called thinking of the people in this world, even more so from those who are suppose to be from the same blood as me.

And no...
I am not buying a fifty dollar used brick from a school I haven't seen in over forty plus years.
shinryou: (Red Sabbath)
Tuesday, September 4th, 2012 07:46 am
Drama, drama go away,
Do not come another day...
shinryou: (Default)
Friday, August 31st, 2012 05:36 pm
One day I will get one drama free birthday...
probably when I am a hundred and one.

I just wanted to go to Disneyland.
Instead I had seven different drama and family problems to deal with.
And the days not done yet.

Sigh... wimper.
shinryou: (Skywise Gaze)
Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012 05:03 am
The snow that falls from the sky mostly falls soft and silently.
But there are those times when the wind howls, and the snow falls in frozen ice sheets that cut and maim.

So too is life like the snow, gentle days, and days where running for cover and waiting till the storm passes by, is your only recourse...

There is such a difference between the light side of life, and the darker side.
One hopes for a brighter future, while darker forces seem bent on destroying that same hope.
Even in dreams, light and dark merge into a muddy grey.
Yet we all still go on hoping and dreaming of a better and brighter way.

Maybe thats the whole point to life after all.
shinryou: (Red Sabbath)
Tuesday, February 7th, 2012 05:30 pm
The last two years have been bad.
Filled with illness, pain and so much stupid it made my brain numb.
This year has been filled with so much drama I feel like I am drowning in it.

However... I REFUSE to give up!!!

I am done with waiting till things get better, easier, less tragic and traumatic.
It just ain't gonna happen and I am not waiting for it to mellow out anymore.
I am taking my life back and I am not in the mood to take prisoners.

Universe... you have been warned.
If your wise... you'll get the hell out of my way!
shinryou: (Default)
Monday, December 19th, 2011 11:06 pm

Just for the record, I am not doing Christmas this year.
My youngest son deploys the day after Christmas and we won't be ble to see him before he leaves.
I just do't have the heart for Christmas trees and merry making at this time.
Happy Holidays to those who are celebrating.
I just won't be one of them and I am really okay with that.

shinryou: (Default)
Monday, December 12th, 2011 03:22 pm

Sigh... I see the Drama Llama has once again arrived for the holidays...
And they wonder why I hate this time of the year...
I just don't understand why some people can't mind their own business and keep their noses out of me and mine's business...
I don't go looking for trouble.
I don't talk behind any ones back, anything I say behind some ones back, I will cherrfully sat to your face and probably already have.
I in fact spend a considerable amount of time solving problems other people start.
I like peace and try hard to fix things between parties so everyone gets along.
Was it too much to ask to have one quiet holiday where everybody got along and barring that at, at least kept quiet and didn't stir up trouble just for the fun of it...

shinryou: (Leetah)
Thursday, November 24th, 2011 12:30 pm

I’m off to Loscon this weekend with new Masks and Dragons for the Art Show. Despite pluming problems and a host of weird a** things going wrong, I am in pretty good shape and actually calm and not frazzled for a change.


Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving weekend.

shinryou: (Red Sabbath)
Friday, November 18th, 2011 02:22 pm
Why is it when try to do what your suppose to,
the universe decides to block you six ways to seven
making you wonder why you even bothered to get out of bed today...

shinryou: (Emily)
Wednesday, October 19th, 2011 08:29 pm
Note to self, just for the record...
Migraine medacine on a empty stomich is a really BAD idea...

shinryou: (Red Sabbath)
Friday, September 30th, 2011 08:17 pm

I have been running nonstop for three weeks and have nothing to show for it. Nothing I wanted to get done got done. Everyone thing that needed to be done was blocked. I am irritated, aggregated and overwhelmed. I am done. I am taking the weekend off and the rest of the world in general can stick it…

shinryou: (Default)
Monday, September 26th, 2011 04:14 pm

So today I tried to be a responsible human being and do all the things I was supposed to do and kept putting off…

So of course the universe decided to block me every step of the way and NOTHING got done.

Some days being a grown up just isn’t worth the effort, I should have just bloody well stayed in bed…

Sigh… Peter Pan was right.

shinryou: (Cutter Thoughtful)
Saturday, September 24th, 2011 08:51 pm

I have been avoiding writing.

I have been avoiding blogging.

I knew I was doing this for months and months.

Just wasn’t sure why.
Wasn’t sure I wanted to know why.

I made excuses.

Life has been hectic.

My health has been completely sucky.

There is always something going on somewhere.

The truth is…

I think I am avoiding writing…

Is because I am trying to avoid my own brain.

This never works… I know this.

My brain isn’t going away.

The thoughts aren’t going to go away.

The bad memories and nightmares aren’t going to go away.

I am still going to have to deal with what my brain is trying to get me to deal with.

Not writing about it isn’t going to make it go away.

But sometimes you just need a break, even from yourself.

Not writing my way of taking a vacation from my own brain.

My brain however is not fooled nor is it amused.

Persisted and insisted it is, and it will have its way and be heard.


It was nice while it lasted.

shinryou: (Default)
Monday, September 12th, 2011 08:37 am

The Prince still has his castle tis true.
But the would be Queen doesn’t seem to see,
That the shining castle by the side of the sea
Has always and only been made of sand.

shinryou: (Default)
Saturday, September 10th, 2011 08:48 pm

The Prince of Toads is a true Prince indeed,

but the reality is, still a toad he remains.