shinryou: (Cutter Thoughtful)
2013-06-17 06:57 pm

Warning, I am going to Rant now...

Maybe it’s just me, but I am really very tired of always being there for people, always willing to try and help, and NO body is there for me... Actually, I take that back. I could handle the nobody being there for me, it’s the 'sure Tobbie, whatever you need, well help...' until the time comes when I need the help; and then suddenly no one is around, no one remembers what they promised. After so many years of this, I am just bloody weary of it.

I would much rather no body promised me anything, and I don't expect anything, than to be constantly disappointed. I can easily handle not expecting anything and having to deal with it all with just myself. What I hate is depending on people who I can never depend on who keep bugging me to depend on them. I don’t like the feeling of disappointment and I hate the anger that it produces in me. I don’t like being angry, its nonproductive. When I don’t expect anything, I am not disappointed, I don’t get angry.

Contrary to what the world seems to thinks of me, I really am a fairly laid back person who really hates being the center of attention. (It makes me uncomfortable.) I hate fuss and bother, I would much rather everyone lead their own lives and kept their noses out of everyone else’s life, at least that’s what I try to be. I grew up in a large family of master game players and double talkers who promised each other the world and never kept a promise. I hated it then; I hate it even more now. I would rather not expect anything and be pleasantly surprised, than deal with the constant lies and games'. I really don’t know why this is a concept that is so difficult for the world in general to comprehend.

I really don’t understand why people feel the necessary of promising people things they have no intention of delivering. I don’t make promise unless I know I can keep them. If I am not sure I can do something for someone, I am up front and open about it. It would be nice if I could get that same honesty back am not holding my breath waiting for it either. I would really rather be left completely alone than have people insist on helping me and then not being there at the last minute. I can plan when I know it’s just me, how the hell are you supposed to plan when other people can’t keep up their side of the deal…

It all comes down to… I am just tired of being constantly frustrated in dealing with people who don’t deal with life.
shinryou: (Default)
2013-06-13 04:08 pm
Entry tags:


There are just some days that I am just bloody tired of being the answer to everybody's problems...
shinryou: (Default)
2013-04-04 05:09 pm
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I Am Just So Tired...

I have come to the conclusion that people make me very tired.

I am tired of the craziness, tired of the foolishness, tired of the games, tired of people not making any kind of coherent sense. I am tired of the predigest and tired of the pettiness, I am tired of people's judgments, tired of people preaching against the very thing they are doing themselves. I am so very, very tired of people who only see the world in black and white.

I am tired of people who think they know more, hear more, feel more, understand more; and who feel they must preach, beat me over the head with their so called knowledge and understanding. And I am really tired of these same people ranting and raving at me; when they can't string to sane words together and make it come out in some sort of coherent language that humans can understand. And I am really, really tired of the puzzled looks I get when I can't understand them and just reply to all this craziness with a blank look and an "Huh? You wanna try that again in a language I can actually understand..."

I am so tired of winning, and tired of crying, and so very, very tired of people who complain it isn't fair; and who are stuck in the should of, could of things of life. I deal with what's real, not with what I would like it to be, I just don't have the time and energy to waste on people who want to sit and cry into their beer about how unfair life is. I never expected life to be fair and am sick to death of hearing people bitch about it. And what gets me the most, is these same people who wine and cry about the unfairness of life, are the last bloody people to get off their asses and do something about changing things. They want the world handed to them on a silver platter and it annoys the crap out of me.

I am tired of people wanting things from me but not telling me what they want, and then getting irritated with me because I haven't given them what they wanted, when most of the time I didn't even know they wanted something. I am tired of people talking at me, but not really wanting to hear me talk back. And I am really, really weary with trying to talk to people and having no one really hear a single word I have said; and then all of them wondering why I stopped talking altogether.

People make me tired, down to my soul, bone weary tired.Becoming a hermit looks better and better every day.
shinryou: (Red Sabbath)
2012-09-04 07:46 am
Entry tags:

Just Saying...

Drama, drama go away,
Do not come another day...
shinryou: (Red Sabbath)
2012-02-07 05:30 pm
Entry tags:

Not Done Yet...

The last two years have been bad.
Filled with illness, pain and so much stupid it made my brain numb.
This year has been filled with so much drama I feel like I am drowning in it.

However... I REFUSE to give up!!!

I am done with waiting till things get better, easier, less tragic and traumatic.
It just ain't gonna happen and I am not waiting for it to mellow out anymore.
I am taking my life back and I am not in the mood to take prisoners.

Universe... you have been warned.
If your wise... you'll get the hell out of my way!
shinryou: (Default)
2011-12-19 11:06 pm

Holiday Sigh...

Just for the record, I am not doing Christmas this year.
My youngest son deploys the day after Christmas and we won't be ble to see him before he leaves.
I just do't have the heart for Christmas trees and merry making at this time.
Happy Holidays to those who are celebrating.
I just won't be one of them and I am really okay with that.

shinryou: (Leetah)
2011-11-24 12:30 pm

Later Days...

I’m off to Loscon this weekend with new Masks and Dragons for the Art Show. Despite pluming problems and a host of weird a** things going wrong, I am in pretty good shape and actually calm and not frazzled for a change.


Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving weekend.

shinryou: (Red Sabbath)
2011-11-18 02:22 pm
Entry tags:


Why is it when try to do what your suppose to,
the universe decides to block you six ways to seven
making you wonder why you even bothered to get out of bed today...

shinryou: (Emily)
2011-10-19 08:29 pm


Note to self, just for the record...
Migraine medacine on a empty stomich is a really BAD idea...

shinryou: (Cutter Thoughtful)
2011-09-24 08:51 pm

Just a wistful sigh…

I have been avoiding writing.

I have been avoiding blogging.

I knew I was doing this for months and months.

Just wasn’t sure why.
Wasn’t sure I wanted to know why.

I made excuses.

Life has been hectic.

My health has been completely sucky.

There is always something going on somewhere.

The truth is…

I think I am avoiding writing…

Is because I am trying to avoid my own brain.

This never works… I know this.

My brain isn’t going away.

The thoughts aren’t going to go away.

The bad memories and nightmares aren’t going to go away.

I am still going to have to deal with what my brain is trying to get me to deal with.

Not writing about it isn’t going to make it go away.

But sometimes you just need a break, even from yourself.

Not writing my way of taking a vacation from my own brain.

My brain however is not fooled nor is it amused.

Persisted and insisted it is, and it will have its way and be heard.


It was nice while it lasted.

shinryou: (Default)
2011-08-24 09:27 pm

Spooty Interwebz...

Contrary to popular opinion, not everyone on the net wants all their network sites connected, and I kind of resent the implication that I must be forced to do so.

shinryou: (Cutter Thoughtful)
2011-08-08 05:35 am


Its August,
so yeah,
I'm sick again...
Every fracking month this year,
same ole crap.
I'm so tired of being sick...

shinryou: (Default)
2011-05-04 11:43 am

Gracefulness strikes again… Not!

Yes I fall a lot, that fact is pretty much established. I have chronic dizziness and no depth perception so grace is not a word one can apply to me for the most part. However it has been my experience that most people when it comes to stairs, tend to trip and fall down them. I use to do that a lot as a child, the falling down them part. I was sixteen before I learned people could actually die from falling down stairs. I thought they all just got up and walked away like I did.


Since we moved into our present house, ten years ago, I have so far managed not to fall down any of the stairs. Which is a pretty good feat; considering it’s a tri-level house with several sets of stairs both inside and out. Everyone else in the house has fallen at least once or twice. The closest I ever came was missing the last two to three steps going down which resulted in a huge jump on my part and a heck of a lot of noise which scared the cats and rest of the humans in the house.


So today I broke my record by tripping and falling… UP the stairs… hard. Witch while it may not break your neck, hurts a hell of a lot more when you land on your arm on the edge of the steps. So now my arm is black and blue and my shoulder blade is reminding me with throbbing pain it’s not happy with what I did. Which is just as well as the new heater and AC is being put in today, and as its right outside my bedroom door, I am pretty much trapped in my room till they are done.


Guess the universe decided today was a day of rest whether I wanted it to be or not…

shinryou: (Default)
2011-04-21 12:53 am
Entry tags:

Honestly… I Love Living in Chaos… Really…

So we have to have a bunch of work done on the house. It’s over 47 years old and was a tract house, so it’s showing some wear. We have done small things here and there over the last ten years but really; it’s over due for a major overhaul.


We had the house painted last year and my brother put in two new fences and three gates. (Still waiting for half of one of those gates.) And this year his Mom decided to help out with the rewiring, new heating and cooling and other stuff that needs to be replaced.


So its decided the whole house needs to be rewired which is no surprise to us, as when you blew one fuse three rooms would go out and it got really annoying. So the electricians make plans to come and replace the wiring, only everyone in the house came down with the bronchitis from hell, and my brother isn’t letting anything go in unless he watches what they are doing. So we put it off for a week. The week goes by and they finally start work. They start on the garage and outside which makes much noise but doesn’t impact on life that greatly other than we had to empty the garage into the back yard. They were suppose to do my brothers room, bathroom and bar area off the garage first, but as it has no crawl space they decide to skip up to the main floor first… without warning me or my daughter, of course. So they move stuff in the living room all out into the middle of the floor so they can get to the plugs… and then haven’t showed up for two days to do anything, and they left after a half day Monday. They have suppose to have been working for ten days now, and when I counted up the days they weren’t here, only one of which they called about, they have only been working five and a half. And Mom’s management company wants to know why it’s taking so long…O~o


Really, I am more than happy to move stuff around so they can put holes in my walls to rewire, but I kind of thought the idea was they were actually going to do the work as we went. I can’t even get through my living room, my work room can’t be worked in because it’s on the same floor with the Living Room and Kitchen and they want to do them all at once. They refused to say when they are coming upstairs so stuff got moved around there too. And now were in limbo because they didn’t show up, no one called, the house is chaos and I can’t do art. Stress is not good for any of us and now I am getting pissed as well. I’d love to tell them so, but they kind of have to actually show up for me to do so.


I knew this year was going to be hell, I just didn’t know it was going to be limbo as well.


Sigh, Spooty workmen…

shinryou: (Default)
2011-04-04 09:11 pm

Positive Doctor Visit… For a Change

So went to new Rheumatology doctor today. She was very through. She said I had some slight Osteoporosis in my hands and then ordered a whole bunch of tests. I got fourteen blood tests and a urinalysis done, then went to x-ray and got neck back and knees done.  It’s probably the more through testing I have done in quite a long time. I was impressed and I don’t impress easily.


I guess my hands are less nimble than they use to be and maybe a bit stiffer. But as all the other pains I go through hurt much more I hadn’t really noticed it until now. It’s not really a big deal as at least they no longer shake. That was far more annoying that a little stiff. When they shook (from a pinched nerve) I couldn’t do art or write. Heck I couldn’t even hold a glass without it flying across the room. I can write and do art now. Slightly stiff just makes me more careful when painting.


It’s all good.

shinryou: (Default)
2011-03-29 11:00 pm
Entry tags:

Stupid is as Stupid does...

The next fool gardener who shows up in my yard with a chainsaw to cut my poor roses is going to be reeducated with my shiny new machete.


I am SO DONE with stupid!

shinryou: (Default)
2011-01-23 07:31 pm

Oh Just Sigh...

Went to am memorial at LASFS for a friend who died last month.

It was a nice memorial and not depressing at all.


So than I woke up with laryngitis this morning, and now the all over body aches are creeping upon me along with the sore throat..


Stupid spooty germs…

shinryou: (Default)
2010-12-26 06:56 am
Entry tags:

Just Saying...

I have survived yet another Christmas...
shinryou: (Default)
2010-12-01 10:16 pm

Triple Sigh...

I have yet another stupid sinis infection.
Another friend has died,
And my poor little kitten is sick... again. 
I really, Really HATE this year!
shinryou: (Default)
2010-10-31 07:10 am


Food poisoning was not on my list of fun things to do on a saturday.